We’ve all experienced colleagues that have been somewhat ‘challenging’ to work with – from the rude or abrupt, to the dismissive and nonchalant. We see them coming and would rather run and hide… or maybe a round in the ring! But when we have to collaborate with someone to meet our goals, most just put on a brave face and endure the pain.
Unfortunately this isn’t the best way to deal with challenging colleagues, as our brains are wired to constantly search out threats or rewards, and when feeling threatened (in this case by a colleague), our cognitive function and connectivity reduces, as we get ready for the ‘fight or flight’. This is a concern that I coach many clients through.
The other day a client (Sam) excitedly shared that she had completely turned around her relationship with a difficult colleague – and it felt like a miracle! Their relationship had been strained for years, even though they collaborated closely together. This colleague was stubborn, didn’t consider the customer, and didn’t listen to other points of view. Sam found it overwhelming to constantly butt heads, but had to work closely with the person on a regular basis. It was clear that something had to change, as it was exhausting and taking away from the rest of her responsibilities and priorities.
So, how did Sam transform the person she dreaded speaking with into someone with whom she can have constructive discussions that feel easy and productive?
Instead of attempting to change her colleague, Sam changed her approach to her colleague and, as a result, the relationship dynamic. They’ve now been able to productively discuss challenging topics and, while they don’t always agree, they come to solutions they can both feel good about. Those same conversations that Sam previously dreaded are now valuable!
It can be frustrating to have to work with difficult people, who can cause tremendous drama and strain to those around them. It’s also common for relationships like this to create significant negative consequences to the business. And expecting people to change – particularly since they’ve often gone unchecked for years – can be futile.
So how can you handle these people?
1. Challenge Your Assumptions
Our brains are wired to keep us in the safe and familiar.. so ‘different’ ideas can sometimes feel like a threat. Instead of jumping to conclusions, or rushing in with ‘Yes.. but’, ask clarity questions instead – eg. “tell me more”, “how do you see this playing out?”, or even see if you can build on their idea with “Yes.. AND…”
Diversity of opinions is what creates innovative solutions! By entertaining and building on new ideas, the possibilities will surprise you.
2. Don’t take it all on
This worry will limit your performance in other areas where you can add value. It creates a ‘threat state’, where our cognitive functions reduce and connections with others can be impacted.
Notice whether this is something you do – are you taking on the other person’s baggage? Instead, remind yourself “This is not my bag to carry.” And let it go. Focus on what you can control, and do so in a constructive manner.
3. Raise the issue
If tensions are really high in the moment, park the conversation to allow some time to reduce the emotion and consider alternative viewpoints. When we feel threatened our ‘reptile brain’ takes over and reduces our cognitive function – which is no good for constructive conversations! Some deep breaths or a positive conversation (what wins have you had recently?) helps to get you back in reward state and thinking clearly.
4. Find ways to connect
When you notice you are matching the closed nature of your colleague, take a deep breath and then take a step to build a bridge. Find something that feels comfortable to have a quality conversation – ask how their weekend was, what they’re working on, tell a joke! Humour is a great leveller and can help break through the ice.
Finding a common ground on a personal level can instantly unlock a dynamic and tear down seemingly impenetrable walls. You may find that when you seek to understand your colleague you may not be so far apart on issues and your colleague may be more open to understanding your perspective.
5. Create Agreement
Create an understanding of what you need from each other to be successful and what things ‘push each others buttons’. Clarify preferred work and communication styles (eg. some people like brainstorm ideas in a meeting, others prefer to read an email and think of solutions quietly before discussing them with others). Setting this common understanding can set you up for ongoing success and rapport. You might even become the dream team together!
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By using these tips regularly, you will create an atmosphere of composure, inclusivity and innovation. People will see you as a leader who can deal with any situation or person. As you drop your guard, you let others do the same. Sam was surprised at how well this worked, and how quickly it helped her gain control over a dynamic that had been haunting her for years.
As with any new habits, the key to embedding them is to celebrate when you use them. Reflect daily to notice when you’ve used these strategies and to learn from missed opportunities. Don’t expect your colleagues to change… however by changing the dynamic, you have the power to change the relationship!
It can be helpful to get an outside perspective on the situation – particularly if it’s been going on for a while. Find a trustworthy, objective sounding board to challenge your perspective. When coaching my clients, I enable them to find ways to question their own involvement in the dynamic and productively turn it around. Any challenging situation is a growth opportunity for everyone involved!
